SUNGAI NIBONG: The so-called Red Bean Army was formed to launch a secret invasion on the Tau Foo Fah Kingdom, a soldier revealed yesterday.

In an exclusive interview, Sergeant Bobo Cha Cha, 43, shared that the army had drafted over 40,000 cyber-troopers, storm troopers, paratroopers and super troopers in a non-stop attack on the Kingdom.

“We were just boys when they recruited us.” A visibly emotional Bobo said. “Barely out of school. They took away our books, and pressed bean rifles and sweet potato grenades into our hands.”

“I’ve seen some horrible things. I wake up screaming in the night, remembering my friends, who were caught in the ruthless gula melaka bombings. One time, we were ambushed by syrup canons. We were forced to retreat.. and we ran right into their atapchi mines. Prisoners of war were forced to endless portions of tau foo fah.”

Bobo added that while their enemies were vicious, it was their superiors whom he and his fellow soldiers particularly hated, due to their utter disregard for their troopers’ well-being. Bobo then rolled up his trouser leg to reveal a prosthetic left foot.

“The Red Bean Army Generals are monsters. I hope they get their just desserts,” he spat.

Bobo revealed that hundreds of Malaysians were being conscripted into the Red Bean Army every day to bolster their side in the Great Dessert War. According to him, the war started centuries ago after the leaders of the two nations had a tiff over which of them was the most delicious.

“The rivalry continues even today. Go to a market. You see how the tau foo fah and red bean soup sellers never talk to each other? Old blood runs deep!” Bobo said.

Bobo also scoffed at rumors that the Red Bean Army had been formed to launch cyber-attacks on rival political parties, saying those rumors were a smokescreen for the group’s true military purposes.

He further revealed that were further plans by the Red Bean Army to invade the Cendol Islands and the Republic of Goreng Pisang.

“The horror,” Bobo whispered, tears in his eyes. “The horror!”

By Terence Toh. Photo: Creative Commons.